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Sunday, June 5th, 2005
1:18 am
not sure anyone cares, really, since absence has been kind of my thing lately, but. this journal? will die.

I'm pretty sure I'll miss the writing of random uselessness on semi-public space, so I might be back some time for the fun.

but for now, gone.

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Sunday, April 24th, 2005
11:27 pm

stolen from 1001cranes

1. Take the lyrics to a favorite song.

2. Go to Google Language Tools, translate the lyrics into German, then from German to French, and finally from French back into English.

3. Post the results verbatim.

4. Invite friends to guess the song based on the interesting new lyrics.


You verfangen your breath,
you strike the wall to crawl outside of return
Scream loud, as you start,
within your frameworks the only place, in which they only leave you. 

Because the operation of weakest search for the weak will, until they broke it. 
Could you still zurueckbekommen? 
would be the same one? 

Realization calms with their lack of being able with your expenses,
it without defense; 
They broke niederwerfen violently to him. 

And I believed in same, as you believed,
ego with the same one, like you,
believed me in the same one. 

Locked in the only place,
in which you believe protected, where you surely smell. 
It lost him in your research, to still find something, to be dissimulated. 

Apprehensive always the preyed after your confidence. 
It saw the consequence, when they supported you on around? 
Kingdoms of construction arroganten cultivated different, the it breakable one,
until they became precisely another crown. 

And I believed in same, as you believed,
ego with the same one, like you,
believed me in the same one. 

if you reject to believe in all with all,
to reject to slip
to reject to fall. 
Slightly its, to pay attention you cannot not,
can be still your ' back cause which nobody not to become. 

They do not know, why they were not to go far this one,
temporary your value for these scars,
for theirs that with company. 

Do not believe and in the lies which explained it to you. 
It is not a word which was; you is good, is good for you, is quite right for you.


uhm. where you surely smell..?? bwahahaha! yes.

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Monday, April 11th, 2005
11:34 am
I tried to go to uni today, I really did. I wanted to, even, because I really can't afford to miss any more lectures. so I did all the work for class last night, I got up this morning, took a shower, got dressed, didn't feel too bad, and started out.
I started wheezing and coughing after the first ten steps, but valiantly I fought on.
but by the time I got to the subway, I was coughing so hard tears were pricking my eyes and I was breaking out into cold sweat. I popped a throat lozenge into my mouth to try to soothe it away, but when I couldn't even keep that in from the coughing and people started giving me these half sympathetic, half annoyed looks, I gave up and trudged back home. and lay coughing on my bed, uncontrollably, for almost half an hour.
the thought sort of struck me then that it might be good to go see a doctor.
I called and I got an appointment for tomorrow afternoon. so, hopefully, it'll get better from tomorrow on.

for the past few days, I've had this plot bunny jumping around in my head, poking the insides of my skull with a fork and yelling SEIFERXSQUALL at the top of its little lungs.
and I really don't have the time to write.
when I'm feeling sort of good I ought to be studying, not writing, but since it won't leave me the hell alone, I can't even satisfactorily try to concentrate on my studies as I only end up staring off into space, conjuring up pseudy-witty dialogue (as witty as can be when I'm the conjurer and Squall-the-wall is one of the participants) and seeing the otp in all kinds of interesting positions situations.
and I can't even honestly say that I'm complaining all that much, because, as always, Nep's World is more interesting than The Really Real World, and really, I'm all for escapism so I'm kind of happy with the distractions.
only, I have to return to The Really Real World, and then I'm way way behind. again. and then - not so happy.
but. you know.

despite this, or maybe because of (since I always seem to be more or less sick, and I do tend to fantasize quite a bit), life is as life is usually: a bother. but my bother. so that's all good.

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Friday, April 8th, 2005
7:29 pm
oh, the craving I've had for sxs the last few days! it's insane, I tell you. it just made me spend my entire afternoon on ff-net.

reading fic? sadly, not so much.

searching reasonably good sxs-fics to read? (sadly?) yes, many hours.

why not read newfound fics as soon as they're stumbled upon?
because I (and, yes, I do recognize my own freakishness) have a tendency to start worrying about not having anything good to devour after finishing the current story, and then I can't bring myself to finish reading it, because what'll I do once it's over and there's nothing left to read? so I find new fic before the old one's over.
and this time I figured I'd get myself a whole batch of stuff so I can just read for a while now.
muchly clever, no?

I sort of do the same with Lost (and wip fic, too, sometimes). I can't bring myself to watch the latest episode because then I'll have to wait an entire week until there's another episode out, and so I'm always a week behind. which, as has been pointed out to me many a time, makes absolutely no sense, because I'll always have to wait a week until I can get my hands on the new ep so that I then can watch the second newest ep. so. there's no difference really. I guess.
but, you know, somehow it just feels better knowing that I could watch another ep if I'd really want to. comforting. uhh. yes. all is well in my world.

oh! oh! OH! I've finally booked my plane tickets! I'm going on the 15th of August! *dances*
there is so much to think about, so much money to be saved up (so I can spend it over there), so much to PLAN that I feel myself going almost crazy at times. and I'm going all alone. *bounces*

three weeks all on my lonesome in a foreign country on another continent. a country where my cell phone won't work, where I can't speak the language properly, where I'll probably be utterly lost and jet-lagged for the first couple of days, where I won't know what to eat and what to not touch even with a stick, where I'll very probably stick out like a sore thumb

and I fucking can't wait to go.


current mood: indefinable

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Wednesday, April 6th, 2005
12:12 am
It feels like life is a game I’m playing. A game I’m forced into.
And no one but me is playing by the rules. Everybody’s cheating.
Or maybe my rulebook is just outdated or maybe it’s from another game entirely.
But it’s like everybody and everything is just throwing unexpected stuff at me, stuff that is not even mentioned in my set of rules and possible scenarios.
And it’s like they’re saying things just to see my reaction; insulting me just to laugh at what I might be able to stutter out as an answer; sneaking up behind my back and scaring me to see how high I’ll jump; hitting me to see whether I’ll bruise or not.

And I’m getting mighty sick of it. I just want to reach goal and have someone press flowers and prize money into my arms and shake my hand and smilingly saying that they’re so sorry that they pulled this shit on me, that it was a necessary evil, but that I did right stellar and that did they mention that they’re sorry and that they’ll make it up to me and now I just have to go home and live my life and everything will be fine and dandy. No worries whatsoever.

Of course, that’s never going to happen, because that would be like big brother or a hidden camera show or one of all the other meaningless show that insist on dumbing the world, and I’d never participate in one of those, so.. this is just my own screwed up reality.

I fucking hate this game.

current mood: playful. yeah. right.

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Monday, March 21st, 2005
11:17 pm

ahahaa! I just found this. click!

yes, that is my hand. (oh, the indescribable joys of having an acupuncturist for a mother!)

and mocking of the chubby little fingers only behind my back. I get it to my face enough from my brothers.

current mood: verily amused

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6:35 pm

oh. my.

I just saw the first six episodes of QaF (yeah, I know. study-time very, very well spent, indeed :D).
but. and. so. killed me ded, it did.
I was fucking sweating at some points.

oh the HOTT.

and not just hott, but boy-hott. fuh. I don't even know how to.. !!I'm drooling all over the place, I need a shower, and if not for the fact that I have to study very badly and sleep is one of those things that aren't actually overrated, I'd watch the rest of the first season like right now.

why why oh WHY aren't they airing this show here in sweden, huh? huh? SVT? tv3? ztv? anyone?

I think I just might have to get the DVD from amazon.com or something.

current mood: uhm. hott.

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Thursday, March 17th, 2005
9:57 pm

I have found that japanese 'girl-pop', in general, and Aya Matsuura in particular are MUCH fun. I can watch the music videos I have over and over and over again. all that pink.! and the jumping around.! and the silly/sultry smiles.! I swear it's doing things to me. Turning my insides to mush and my brain to fluff, most likely. I love it.
never fails to put a smile on my face, even on the blackest of days. I mean look at this picture of Aya (yes, eat the flower, Aya, love, very good idea). seriously, can you resist? I certainly can not.
I swear I feel like the flower in that picture.

Yes. because it does feel, I'm sure of it. and it's ALL love.

I feel much love lately, actually. for The Last Herald-Mage trilogy by Mercedes Lackey. omgtheloveIfeel. even though there's WOE and it's made me cry on more than one occasion: LOVE. Vanyel is one of the most lovable protagonists I've ever had the pleasure to cross paths with. his being shaych, of course, only makes it better.
though. Tylendel. still pain.
lol. I think I'm having about as hard a time getting over him as Vanyel has, and I'm not even in the book.
making much sense? ahah. natch.

And I feel love (obviously not in the LOVE-forever-and-ever-after-with-kids sense, but love nonetheless. though with small letters) for Daniel, our ninjutsu teacher. he's like some strange fungus. every time I see him, he's somehow grown on me just a tad more, and I watch out of the corner of my eyes for just a few seconds longer than the last time, and I swear I caught him looking today (and I stoutly refuse to believe what my head's trying to hint to me about delusions) and omg, the pretty and just. *sigh*
And he's so very, incredibly, whole-heartedly nice. I can't even describe it. But. Love.

and omg he makes me blush like a schoolgirl, or a Weasley even - his only unattractive feature, really, that. I hate blushing. >.<

And the love I feel for Seifer and Squall. I don't even know where to start explaining. first of all, the gunblades. and the rivalry. and the way I see them talk, or well, the way they interact in other ways when Squall's non-forthcoming (to say the very least), how they love, how they hate, how they fight and take care of each other. you know, the passion. If I get just one teaspoon of that passion in my live, I'll die a very happy old bat. (yes, I am aware that they are not Really Real. fuck off. they're real enough for me. Nep's world, and all)

and wow, the love for all fanfic-writers. YOU ALL ROCK. I could just kiss you all. or you know, whatever you'd want. *cough* that's how grateful I am.
no, seriously, the time that they spend on, not only the writing, but the plotting, and the researching and the careful phrasing and the character outline and development, just for my (and, well, everyone else's. oh, and their own in a way, I guess) reading-pleasure, it's absolutely, definitely, totally, without-a-doubt love-worthy.

oh, and haha, funny. Gackt eats flowers, too. Love.

I think I'll go away now before I profess my undying love to all teh world (which would be muchly untrue). so BYE.

current mood: LOVE

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Tuesday, March 15th, 2005
11:04 pm - Fic : FF8 - Caterchipillar
Title: Caterchipillar
Pairing: mind-bogglingly enough, none.
Fandom: FF8
Warnings: None. This would be G, I think.
Summary: Squall finds a Caterchipillar. (wow. I'm out-laming myself)
Disclaimer: FF8 is not mine, it's Square's, and I'm just playing around.

onto the ficcageCollapse )

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Saturday, March 12th, 2005
12:51 am
Oh. *wail!*
Tylendel! Tylendel!
What in the world will Vanyel do without you? How could you leave your 'ashke'? How ever will we manage?
Oh. 'Lendel..

Books are so not good for my health. But I love them dearly.

current mood: escapist

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Wednesday, March 9th, 2005
10:16 pm
awww! the Goonies is teh sweet!
and I swear Sean Astin is the w00biest of w00bies. there is waff all over.

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Monday, March 7th, 2005
10:38 pm

I just saw live rimming. on the telly. japanese rimming. on Hundra Höjdare (a show where they show the 100 funniest moments caught on tape). so, non-porn. but rimming. on the telly.! one guy's tongue between another guy's ass-cheeks.


I so need a copy of that clip.

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Sunday, March 6th, 2005
11:48 pm
I’ve not been on speaking terms with The Really Real World for a while now.
It kept bullying me. You know, the usual: throwing pebbles at the back of my head, tripping me at the most inopportune times, whispering and then pointing and laughing – generally refusing to just let me be.
So one day when it shoved me particularly hard, I shoved back. And it stumbled backwards and hit its head on its way down. There was blood and it yelled obscenities at me and threatened with stuff I’d rather not repeat.

I smelled trouble would come if I stayed, so I turned and ran.

Since then I’ve sort of only been on my own, reading, thinking, writing, doodling, refusing to go back out and apologize. So I’ve stayed in the Semi-Real World. You know, the better world, the more endurable world. My World.

But now my week of seclusion is drawing to an end (read: I really can’t afford to miss any more classes after Monday) and I will have to re-enter The Really Real World. Which sucks like you wouldn’t believe.

I like My World. Nep’s World. It’s all. Just. So much easier. *sigh*

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Saturday, February 26th, 2005
12:06 am
wow. I just realized.
the last time I read the Cicatrix Cycle I was the same age (even a bit younger!) as Harry and Draco and all the rest of the seventh years.

but this time I'm older than all of them!

which I guess shouldn't be surprising, it's kind of a 'duh'-situation, really. but somehow it hit me quite hard. and I felt old.

which is terribly silly, because I'm only 19 and (as the strange man in the library so very kindly informed me today while I was there studying) that's no age at all. my life's only starting.
or so he put it.

but still. time does fly, doesn't it? soon I'll be old. and then I'll eventually be dead. and then where will I be?

I should stop my brain from pondering these sorts of things. it only makes me feel like I should be in a hurry to do something with my life. which in turn makes me anxious and fretful and just generally not-very-happy. and it also makes me wonder what I've done all my life.

which is again silly!
because I'm not even old enough to buy liquor in this screwed up country!

which is just. something that I've never understood. I mean, honestly! when you turn 18, you're old enough to vote, you're old enough to marry, you're old enough to get a driver's licence, you're old enough to sign any kinds of contracts - but you're not deemed as old enough, mature enough, to decide when and how and how much liquor you drink?
how is that logical? I mean, theoretically, I'm old enough so that I could change the law so that 18-year-olds could buy alcohol, but I'm not old enough to buy it?
I just can't see what went through the heads of the legislators that made this up.
I bet it was something someone thought about during a high in the friendly, happy seventies and then everybody (being just as high) just YAAYYED and they passed it on. *sigh*
but this isn't even what I was talking about, and I don't really care because I don't drink that much alcohol anyway, it's just one of those things. you know, one of those things. that you can't get. and that makes you absolutely sure that the people with the power are just as dumb as the next person. they just have it. the power, I mean. to pass the laws.
wow, my writing today is so far beyond bad that it's past good and back to bad again. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I'll stop right now.

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Tuesday, February 22nd, 2005
10:36 pm

When both feet are planted firmly, you will have trouble getting out of the ground.

Add a fortune to your website or
blog, click

wow. that (lo and behold!) actually holds some - uhm, I'm almost ashamed to admit it seeing where it came from - but insight. depth even, maybe.
made me go slackjawed there for a moment and think, and then smile.
I like these sort of retarded and ridiculously simple wordings that somehow end up being profound and generally applicable.
they're sort of like... well, like frodo. or casey. you know. small, geeky or misfit things (well, people. or hobbits) making all the difference in the world.

(ahaha.! the obsession runeth deep.)

oh haha! *dances with glee* I found Ivy Blossom's The Cicatrix Cycle again! I've sort of only had a dead link to that story for a while now, which has sucked kameldase, but now I have it (YAY).
and it's THE story for me, since it's the first harry/draco (hpfic of any kind) that I ever read. haven't read it in over a year and half so it's about time. will go do so now.
oh, the nostalgia!

*spins on chair*



ETA: I suck. I fucking can't say no. must learn how because I end up doing stuff that I really don't want to do. which sucks. which makes me suck even more. so BLEH.

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Sunday, February 20th, 2005
10:11 pm

I found this and. just. well. it's 'desktop background'-ed now. it's hp fanart drawn by glockgal and coloured by priscellie, valentine's day themed (yeah, I'm late, I know). Trio, Luna, Cupid. and it's bloody wonderful. ahahah! </span>

current mood: starry-eyed

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Friday, February 18th, 2005
6:00 pm
dude. I went into the local store and got this insane craving for raisins.
so I bought a pack.
went home, showed mum. and she looked at me, looked at the pack of raisins, looked back at me and said: 'oh, that's nice, dear. that's kalium for you.' and then she shuffled back into her room.
I was like o.O
she's weird, my mum. and I don't have a clue what she's on about most of the time. but I guess I love her anyway. or because of it.

now. 1001cranes is dragging me into The Faculty fanfic. zeke/casey. my god. that pairing is. just. hotness.
as elijah/josh would be. *licks lips* fuck, yes.

oh. and lost? WAAH. I thought charlie was dead there for a while. not on! but all better now.

[eta (or whatever that's usually called): wow. I see now (now that I've actually used a dictionary) that kalium is in no way an english word. evidently, it's potassium. ? which is. right, I guess? I'll have to take the book's word for it.
uhm. yes. I am so not english.]

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4:21 pm
today has not been the best of days.

last night, I had my best friend over and fed her chocolate and chips and candy and coke (wow, alliteration) because her first-ever serious boyfriend sort of broke up with her and she was, naturally, broken into millions of little snotty-nosed and snuffling pieces of girl and I had to help her glue herself back together enough to at least be able to function today.
which we did to about five in the morning, when we both just passed out from over-eating and over-analyzing and over-feeling.
so I was not the happiest of campers when I had to show up at the doctor's at half past nine in the morning.
but she seemed a little bit better this morning, so it was worth it.

at the doctor's I got three different kinds of medicine prescribed to me (woe!), and I swear I felt much better before taking them than after. they just make me sort of dizzy and numb and sleepy and sick to my stomach.

then I went to a therapist with mum and my brother. mum's therapist, because they're trying to get her back on her feet and they want me and my brother's opinions on her illness and recovery. and also, I guess, because they want to make sure we weren't too screwed up by all the shit that happened.

so. at one point the therapist turned toward me and she asked, gently, you know with that honest-sounding, perfectly pitched, sort of low, tone of voice that makes you want to spill everything, how I was feeling. if I was feeling alone. if I had anyone to confide in, to turn to.
and dude, I could feel my cheeks heat up because that's exactly what I've been thinking about for the past few days. that if I had something serious to talk about, I wouldn't know where to turn. and I was like, fuck, how does she know?

and I wanted to talk to her so badly. which is so weird because I don't really talk about things like this. ever.
but I wanted to.
and I think I'm going to call her and ask her for an appointment. because, dude. I'm starting to believe I might be even more fucked up than I've given myself credit for.

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Sunday, February 13th, 2005
11:55 pm - the noble art of wasting time
I waste time.

Or so other people think.

They shake their heads at the insane amounts of text I read, at the ‘too much’ money I spend on music and DVDs and books, at the ridiculous number of images of people I don’t even know that I dote upon (read ‘slobber over’) daily, and at the noisy and near-incessant pit-a-pat of my fingers against the keyboard of my beloved computer.

Of course, it’s all a matter of subjectivity; I think they waste time. They bitch and they moan, they argue, they watch hours on end of TV, they sit around doing nothing and complaining about how they’re doing nothing (I’ve never understood this and I don’t think I ever will), and worst of all, they carelessly throw their ‘precious time’ at stupid things like telling me I waste time.

People, please.

Okay. Sure, so sometimes I waste time.
For example: somehow it comes incredibly easily to me to waste time when I should be studying. I read another chapter of fic, I go through the lyrics of another song, I watch a favourite film just one more time, I get myself another glass of Coke – all to keep myself busy so I can delude myself that I don’t have the time to memorize this week’s new Kanji or read through the text given, or learn the new grammatical elements we’ve been (ab)using in class.

And I’m right. When I get to school, I invariably find that I haven’t had the time to prepare.
Which, of course, is not so good. And therefore makes even me see that my time has not been used in the most efficient of ways.

But, could it be said to be a waste of time? I’ve been doing things that I love to do. I haven’t done the things that I should have done or need to have done, but I haven’t just been sitting around, idly twiddling thumbs or picking my nose and watching the bogies fly as I flick them away, either – so is it really a waste of my time, doing the things that I love?

Maybe I’ve been wasting, fiddling away, time – as seen and evaluated by Them. You know, the omnipresent Them; Society, The World, the Unwritten-Rule-Setters – but it hasn’t been a waste of my time.

Maybe that’s what makes it an art. A noble art, even. Wasting Time but not wasting Your Time.

Does this make any sense? At all?

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Thursday, February 10th, 2005
9:14 pm

all I've done today is lie in bed, feel like (what is that funny phrase? oh yeah) death warmed up and watch movies. or lie in mum's bed and try to convince her that there's sense and beauty in the world. which I can't understand why I bother doing, btw, since I'm not entirely sure that there is. not all the time, anyway.
some times, though, I just love this world to tiny little pieces and sort of dread the day I'm going to die and have to leave it.
but, you know, inevitability, ephemerality and all that. so, just, meh.
and just, WOW, many syllables. I'm almost impressed with myself. anyone think I had to use a dictionary to find them - raise an eyebrow, because really, who has the energy to raise an arm while in front of the computer, and really, who's going to even know? how am I going to know an eyebrow was even raised? fuck it. whatever. I didn't have to use one, but I might have. and who's even interested?

man, I feel sort of bitter, somehow.

and who gives out free Läkerol? ahaha. allow me to give another fake laugh. ahahaha. give me a break.
wow. commercials suck.

anyway, about my extremely productive day. (oh, please, do revel in the sarcasm.)
I saw The Faculty and Try Seventeen because Elijah Wood is insanely easy to become obsessed with, and I found there are satisfying amounts of him kissing people, which was nice. especially Try Seventeen, because that movie was sort of good, too. I liked it. and it has Franka Potente, and she's cool as hell. and I don't care what people say, she's beautiful.
and then I saw A Home at the End of the World which is a surprisingly good movie, and I'm not just saying this because of the boylove, but because it's warm somehow and honest and it made me cry, actually, and that's sort of rare.
and then a re-iteration of Garden State because there's Braff and Portman and that movie is amazing.

so, see? busy little bee.

while I do love movies, I really truly honestly absolutely hatehatehateHATE being sick.

now, excuse me while I'll go and watch Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow.

or while I go read comfortfic by beizy.</span>

current mood: ahaha. can't tell?

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